Who has been completely turned off being a foster parent, or adopting by reading this site?

I have.





The whole thing just seems to be doing more harm than good. Even the abused kids wish they were with their ';real'; parents.





Why should we bother?Who has been completely turned off being a foster parent, or adopting by reading this site?
Well, actually I think it's a good thing if some people are turned off of adoption by reading here.





Why? Adoption is not for the faint of heart. If we can weed out some of the weak links here on Yahoo!, I think that's a great thing. Ever heard of the phrase ';If you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen?'; If what you read on yahoo! turns you off, adoption is not for you. Doesn't make you a bad person, adoption isn't for me either. I'll admit that readily to anyone who asks.





Anyone who is turned off of adoption because they learn of the not so pleasant side of adoption does not need to adopt anyway. Kids deserve parents who aren鈥檛 wishy washy.Who has been completely turned off being a foster parent, or adopting by reading this site?
Um, this is sad. Psychological theory tells us that it is ';normal'; for abused children to want to be with the abusers, because children use a defense mechanism where they split their parents into ';good daddy'; by day and ';bad daddy'; at night. It is the only way they can survive.





In addition, abused children BLAME THEMSELVES for the abuse. They think ';if only I was better'; or ';if only I was good'; this would not be happening to me. Thus, they try desparately to be ';good'; so their parents love them. Until children can learn that ';IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT'; and ';THEY ARE NOT BAD,'; they will keep trying to get the love from their abusive parents by trying to be ';good.';





It is not until the children are away from the ';situation'; and given proper therapy do they begin to accept the truth. As a foster parent, you should want to help the child through this, because at the end, the child recoginizes the truth.





I REALLY DISAGREE with your statement. Most children who were removed because of severe abuse will when safe, be glad to be adopted and in a safe family.


If you understood the psychology of abused children, you would not not say ';Why Bother?';








Why should anyone bother? Because these SAME KIDS that ARE NOT ADOPTED wind up homeless, wind up in the prison system, wind up pregnant and homeless, wind up on drugs, are burdened beyond belief with mental health issues, etc, etc, etc.





No-body on this site ever said, ';Don't adopt from foster care.'; In fact, most would agree with adopting children who are legally free and need a home.





But you are right....you don't come home with a ';baby who does not think or feel'; from past experiences. You come home with a child with a past. As a foster parent, you should want to help heal that past.
No, I'm not turned off by the idea. The fact is that these kids ARENT with their real parents. If people stop adopting/fostering them, they're not going to go back to their genetic parents, they're just going to be stuck in the system their entire life. I know some people from adopted families and while they're sometimes curious about their ';real'; parents, they absolutely love their adoptive parents and are fine with the situation.
No, this site has not put me off at all because I have my own ideas on how adoption should work and have made it work for me. I also do not live in the USA where adoption is industry.





Basically, I am an AP who (some might think its a contradiction, but I don't) is also a believer in family preservation.





I believe every child has the right and should be raised by their biological families, just like I was.





And those who do not have a family or cannot be raised by their family, can be loved and raised by me.





I also believe that (adopted) children have the right to feel pain about their adoption and the right to know or have a relationship with their first family.





I also put their needs first and just love them unconditionally.





And because of everything I have stated above, I know that my kids will love me back too.





It sounds like you want adoption to be all about you, that is probably why you are turned off by adoption.





For me, its about my kids. They can hate me all they like in the future, Im still going to love them no matter what, and that doesn't scare me.
After I completed the work to adopt through foster care I was assigned a social worker who told us the same thing. She told us that all the children would be damaged and dangerous to have in our homes. Then she also told us that it was dishonest for anyone to try to adopt through foster care because children can only love their real families and for strangers to adopt keeps children from being reunited with at least their extended families. Our social worker told us to go adopt older children overseas because those were the children that needed homes.





So it wasn't on this site that I got discouraged. It's on this site that I've come to see that I should've tried to get a different caseworker. I did think of it at the time, but then she was the person who worked with the children and knew them. I didn't think it was right to try going around her just to get what *I* wanted.





As to the doing more harm than good, it all depends. I adopted older siblings overseas. Their mother had died of AIDS. We met their father but he has since passed away (he was on AIDS meds, but it was too late). My children do miss their parents. They will always miss their parents. But they also love us and are for the most part happy. Losing their parents did the harm, not taking them out of the orphanage.





When adoption does more harm than good is when it's unnecessary. That kind of trauma should only be for when there are no other options.
I actually think it does some good. I never realized how much the system needs an overhaul before coming here. I never realized the resources that are available for people wanting to become foster parents. I never realized how hard it IS to be a foster parent.





Do ';abused'; kids REALLY want to be with their ';real parents';? Probably, but they can't because they were abused. They may have the best adoptive parents in the world, but that doesn't take away the pain from being in that position to begin with.





Same goes for adoptees. I think most of the adoptees here would say they are happy and that have the best a parents alive, but that does not take away the pain.





I think many people have been enlightened here, even when we don't like a poster's style of communicating, and even if we think the poster is a complete dolt.





Lots of generalizing goes on here, including this question. Loaded questions, etc. For the most part, I think posters here have the same goals- making adoption open, ethical and rare. There are a few fringe people here, just as in real life, but statistically speaking, I think most of us are on the same page.





My goal? That while I had loving parents, I still had issues with my relinquishment and adoption. Most adoptees do. My hope is that people will recognize these issues and not dismiss them when they arise.





I know there will always be a need for adoption, but I will never think there is a need for adoptions that involve coercive tactics, ignoring a childs need to know and love BOTH their families, or closed adoptions. I also hope that society will accept the fact that adoptees are capable of loving more than one set of parents, just as parents are capable of loving more than one child.
Definitely not by this site, but by the foster parent classes I attended - I was turned off by what my city calls the ';foster to adopt'; program. Their main concern was rehabilitating the neglectful and/or abusive parent and returning the child as many times as possible just to keep that 'bond'. Why put a child through that hell? I don't believe in our foster care system so I didn't support it. There are too many changes that need to be made... and I believe the government at times is to neglectful to the children.
Don't let that happen if you want to foster or adopt a child already in need of a family - there are lots of kids out there praying every day for someone like you to come along and give them love and a stable life - some have extreme views on here - not saying there views aren't valid - everyones views are influenced by personal experience and that's fine as long as long as they can except others have different views - it's when they can't that problems begin





It is all about the child - but it also about adopters desires too - it has to be - there is nothing wrong in desiring a child and wanting a child to love - after all if us adopters didn't have that desire in the first place we would have far more children's home bursting at the seams and lots of children growing up never knowing what it is to be loved unconditionally by parents - natural or adopted





ETA - just wanted to say Can't Stop's post is a great answer - well balanced and from all sides - a rare thing :0)
...my abused daughter Does Not Wish she was with her mother... All we hope for is that our daughter can learn to be forgiving and over come the difficulties in her life she will suffer from Brain Damage... maybe get the piece of her ear growing on her check removed someday--but, She does Not want to return to her mother... Right Now she doesn't even want to discuss her mother.





My 24 and 25 year olds however want to Cut-the-Apron strings and to be honest their Views of life and me as their mother are almost Funny! It's what Young People Do--and they have already out grown the Triangulation Game of playing Dad and Step-mom off on me--young people don't need to be Adopted to Look at the Greener Grass of someone else... once they mature things will change again... It's part of life.
All we want, is a family that allows us to acknowledge the fact that being adopted sucks!!





There are so many people on here that love their adopted families to death.





But the fact is, that being adopted, being separated from your first family actually does hurt.





Adopting children, and allowing them that, is the best thing in the world for them.





the only adoption I am against are the ones where mothers are pressurised into giving up their children, and not given a chance...


The ones where white, newborn girls cost 10X as much as black boys, because 'fees are higher', no, that's selling human beings.





I wish my a-parents had loved me enough to let me dislike the fact that i am adopted.... not try and force me into thinking it's all wonderful.





You can love someone, without loving the circumstance.





Of all the people on here, look into foster, please.
We should bother because even ';the abused kids'; who ';wish they had their real parents'; need safe loving homes where they will not be abused.





Besides, who said that it was wrong for a child to long for a relationship with their biological parents? Of course they wish for them. My kids also wish they could eat poptarts for every meal. Does that make it good for them? No. Is living with parents that abused them good for them? No.





Being an adoptive mother of two kids from foster care, I can tell you one thing...


How they feel about their mother is completely seperate from how they about me. They are two different things. Apples and Oranges. They love both of us.
Dont let people here get to you like that. I havent read all the other answers but Please dont let them change your mind. I was adopted and I love my adoptive family. I appreciate everything they have done for me and wouldnt change them for the world. Yes I have gone through phases when I was younger about wanting to meet my real mom and missing her and such but apparently that is normal. I have even gotten mad at my adoptive mom because I was really upset about my adoption one day and she tried to tell me my bio mom loved me and I called her a liar and told her she didnt know what she was talking about. I was about 10. But i still wouldnt trade her for the world. i have contacted my bio mom and spoke with her but still keep more contact with my adoptive mom. I keep her updated on whats new with my relationship with bio mom just like I keep her posted about my life. I know she wants to know because she loves me and whats to know whats new in my life. Not every child wishes they were with their ';real'; family. My adoptive family is my real family. There the ones who loved me clothed me and wiped my tears whan I was sad. I have asked a couple of questions on here and been attacked repeadedly. Its almost like everyone here wants to pick a fight and argue even If you are trying to be ginuine and curious your a troll or looking for an argument. I stopped asking questions on here because I feel worse then better. Adoption Is a wonderfull thing for the kids who need it. I have a feeling some kids mioght say on here that they would rather be with their ';real'; family but prolly wouldnt dare say it to there adoptive parents
I think that most of the women that have come here posting their questions on how to deal with their ';terrible child'; that they've adopted have done this because It's new to them. I seriously doubt the women/men have had the child for that long. An adopted child will give you every reason to not want them just to see your reaction. When you give the child unconditional love and never give up on them for as long as it takes that's when I believe they in return will act like proper children. (We can't expect the children to adapt to their surroundings right away)
If you can't handle what adoption is really about - then no - you shouldn't adopt.





Because adoption is about the child.


Remember.


Not about your desires.





Perhaps you could get a dog. Especially as it seems that you want something that is obedient and bends to your will.





Selfish people should definately not adopt.


It messes with adoptee heads.
Hi Corn,





You bring up several points and are right on so many levels:





1) Adoption as it's currently practiced in the USA, DOES do more harm than good for children. Those subjected to it are justifiably not pleased. They, along with some enlightened others, are bringing attention to important issues some may wish to deny or ignore. They are demanding changes for the benefit of future children in need.





2) Many people are simply ill-prepared to meet the needs of adoptees regardless of whether they can get an agency to approve their home. They may believe raising adopted children is the same as raising children born to them when it's not. The adoptive family inevitably suffers in these cases, particularly the child.





3) Children DO need contact with and/or knowledge of their natural families regardless of the issues their original families faced. Adoptive families never replace natural families. The child always gains additional family members. Everyone needs to remember that.





Before determining whether or not adoption is for you, one would have to first ask themselves WHY they want to adopt. If it is to fill some need within themselves, (and there really are a lot of people who still seem to think adopting should be about what they want since they have the money, not the child) then perhaps it is best they not adopt at all. There needs to be a better screening process than what is currently in place because clearly adoptees' needs are not being adequately met %26amp; the results are what you are witnessing. True, it's not a pretty picture. When something is not working, better solutions should be sought. That's not just the responsibility of the AP's to do this. The adoption industry itself should also be held responsible. The general public can take a role in this as well.





Which leads us to another point - ';Is there a better way to meet children's needs without subjecting them to the current adoption experience?'; If adults are ';turned off'; by examining those types of questions and the honesty %26amp; expertise expressed by those who live adoption every day, then I agree with you again. They should not be adopting at all until and unless they can grasp what the real issues are and are fully prepared to address them completely, honestly, and with compassion for the child, the one party who has no choice in matters %26amp; for whom adoption is meant to serve. You're correct in that the right answers may include options besides adoption as we know it. PAPs should ask themselves if they are really willing to do whatever it takes to meet the adopted children's needs or if they are more interested in trying to make children conform to whatever their own preconceived ideas about adoption should be.





I always encourage PAP's to thoroughly research adoption from as many sources as possible before jumping into it, especially from the adoptee's %26amp; first mother's perspective. Adoption is not at all what the agencies are trying to sell you! The sooner PAP's realize that, the better. I can see how that realization could be frustrating for someone who had different expectations of what they wanted adoption to be for them. However, the better prepared the adults are, the better the liklihood of a good long-term outcome for the children. We all agree that is important, right? You also ask ';Why should we bother?'; People who really wish to help children will recognize the truth about serious flaws in the system %26amp; work towards improvements because it's the right thing to do. They will look to see what better role they can play in a child's life instead of what role that child can play in their own. Once they can do that, they are closer to being ready to assist children in need. Thank you for asking.





julie j


reunited adoptee
Of course children who are abused wished they could have had their own parents and not been abused, but they still love us and are glad to be in our family.





Yes, there are a lot of opinions on this site, but I don't think anyone is saying don't adopt from foster care!
I initially was thinking of adopting domestically or internationally. I haven't changed my mind about adopting, but just the way in that I intend to adopt. We'll be going through foster care to adopt now.
Because there not with their real parents and they need a loving home just like anyone else. It sounds like your just looking for a convenient answer to clear your conscious.
Giving a child a loving home with them not loving you back is better than them being in an orphanage - with dozens of other children - and no one to love them, or give them a chance at life.
Not at all. I will still adopt as planned. I don't let a small number of people (with extreme views) on one site sway my opinions and personal experiences with those who are involved with adoption.





There are a number of very outspoken individuals on here who have had bad experiences (they tend to overshadow other opinions) but there are also a number of people here who have had positive experiences with adoption.





With everything in life you have to take extreme opinions for what they are. Extreme.





I stick around here because there are people with good advice and information about adopting. I just tune out those who are always ranting about this or that.
When teens don't get their way with their real parents, then they rather be in foster care. All kids need guidance, even if they say they don't want it. Its all a cycle to make adults go crazy. Then we die, but usually not forgotten.